In my journey of co-wifery, I am also growing as a woman… As a muslim woman. I am embracing the Qadr of Allah like never before. The good and the bad of it. 

‘Maturity’ is such a profound word. We might limit it to meaning that you’ve reached puberty or that your ”old enough” to do something, but it’s waaaaaaay deeper than that. 

I am learning the treat the people in my family according to what they are. For example, my grandmother. When I was a teenager we would have screaming matches and I’d tell her how much I hated her. She’d put me out and let me back in. As an adult, she’d still try to run my life and just to defy her, unconsciously, I would be ruining my life. Now… She is my grandmother. She is the woman who cared for me when my mother passed, she is the woman who would treat me when I was sick. She is the woman who on many occasions cried herself to sleep because she didn’t know what to do with me. The woman who helped me raise my first child because her father wasn’t around. I have an appreciation for her that I am embarrassed to say took 27 years to realize. At the same time, I feel accomplished. I feel like my character is getting better. I have been doing my best to strive in the way of Allah and SubhanAllah, I am seeing the results in my daily activities! 

I am seeing my change in my children by Allah’s permission. My oldest is becoming a young  believing woman right before my eyes, and although is scares me, I’m so proud. After 6 years of Islaam, I finally feel like I may be doing something right and for the right reasons! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! 

My co-wife and I are doing great, maa shaa’allah. The baby will be a month old tomorrow inshaallah and he knows my voice! Whenever I hold him I recite qur’an to him. I tell him about my day, what I’ve learned in class at the masjid, and how much I missed him. Oh! And how I don’t have any milk in my boobs so he better stop flapping those lips my way! Lol. 

Everyday I am falling in love with my husband. Sometimes it’s scary but most times it’s the most exciting feeling in the world. As a family we are progressing. Both households. One Unit. The 8 of us…

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Today feels like a new beginning with my children… They went to school. My 8 year old has been home-schooled and my 2 year old has been home. I have been crying all morning! My husband told me to just get over it. ‘How dare he!’ 

If I had it my way, my children would always be home. Yes I confess, I am a stalker mom. But I am realizing that my big girl needs to be able to get out and spread her wings. She goes to an Islamic school and she’s there with my co-wive’s daughters who are 8 and 5 years old. My little one was the hardest to let go. She’s my puddin’. The thought of her sharing her laugh, smile, temper tantrums, sneakiness, and cleverness makes me very emotional. She is also in an Islamic setting. I believe in Allah and everything He has informed me of so I know that this is His Decree and that He wouldn’t put more on me than I can bare… Sheeeesh! Motherhood is just so darn trying some days!  

And in other news!!! I am almost finished Season 1 of Sister Wives. If you are a co-wife and watch the show you have probably already tried to decide which one of Kody’s wives you are more like (personality wise). I see myself as a combo of Christine and the new Wife, Robin. Christine is very cheerful, good with the children, open about her feelings, supportive, and she seems like she may be a really great friend to the other wives. Robin is just happy to be a part of the team and to have a man who loves her and her children. I think she keeps the other wives on their toes. 

Things are well with my co-wife and I. We don’t talk much on the phone or text now that she has the baby and I completely understand. I do miss her though. But let me tell you, I love that baby! He is super-d-duper cute! I can’t wait until he’s potty trained cause once that happens, It’s gonna be me and him hanging out! Lol. And yes, he must be using the potty to hang with me. My baby is finally in panties and I am so grateful that my days of pampers/pull-ups is over. Allahu Akbar!

My husband seems to be adapting well to the polygamous life. He seems more comfortable now than he did when he first took me on the team. His being settled definitely helps the family dynamic A LOT. Inshaallah, I will be getting a job at a hospital as a patient services rep, it will require that I work every other Saturday. I am desperately trying to get my husband to change our nights around a bit. Instead of 2 and 2, I want him to do 2, 2, 3. This would enable my co-wife and I to have him home for weekend nights. And of course I would prefer that her weekends be the weekends that I work on Saturdays 😉 And I am more than willing to agree to missing a night or two so that my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights fall on the weekends that I don’t have to work. As with all things, Allah knows best. 

I don’t know how my Co feels, but when he leaves in the middle of the weekend my schedule feels thrown off. He and I are both off on weekends currently so when he’s home on the weekend I feel like that’s our wind down time together from our busy work-weeks. During the week it’s pretty much dinner, try to chill together until we fall asleep, and then back to work. I don’t really feel like I get enough ‘face-time’ on my nights. However, let me make this clear, I am NOT complaining. Surely I make the best out of the time I have with my husband, but I think as our life is changing some other things will have to change too.  

Alhamdulillah for every circumstance!                       

In all this time the show Sister Wives has been on air, I haven’t watched it until last night on Netflix. I love it!

The relationship that the wives have with each other is beautiful. It’s something that so many of us can’t understand or even imagine. It makes me contemplate my past relationships and the relationships of some of my friends and I wonder, why couldn’t we all just get along?!

Now, my co-wife and I have a pretty good relationship, but I will admit that there are times when we are having ‘unspoken anger issues.’… Whatever that means. Lol. But to openly welcome another woman into your family, to love your husband, when there is already 3 has my mind boggled! I don’t even think I’m built like that! I find myself often times thinking, “Oh Allah, please let us be enough…” But I wonder if that is selfish. Is there another woman who could need my husband? Is there another woman who I’d care to share my husbands islam, love, time, finances, etc., with?

In the past I have heard so many polygamy horror stories and have even authored a few of my own. It would have me wondering where the successful polygamous marriages are. The way these ‘Sister Wives’ handle a new wife is just… inspiring. And sure they may be Mormon, but they are women non the less. I found it interesting that these women grew up in polygamous households and it isn’t forced on their children. I wonder if that is a contributing factor among us Muslim women when it comes to how we handle polygamy. Is it easier to accept when you have been raised around it?

I think I want to make it a rule that he can’t visit me when it’s not my night.

I’ve considered kidnapping him.

Locking all the doors with dead bolts and restraining him to the bed.

No need to hold him for ransome… I’ll eventually return him.

He shouldn’t have come here because I don’t want him to leave… Selfish you might say.

I should kidnapp him today…

6 years ago I met a sister whom to this day, other than my co-wife, I have never net anyone more compassionate and kind. She taught the New Shahadah class at Germantown Masjid. Her class was awesome and she made sure that us women understood the fundamentals of the religion. I loved her class and if she wasn’t able to teach one day, no other sister could fill the void of Naimah. 

Today she was taken off life support, Maa shaa’allah. Over a year ago, we found out that Naimah was sick. She had been in and out of the hospital. Today, Allah called her back. My heart is filled with so many emotions. SubhanAllah, she has taught so many Muslimahs who Allah is and what our duty to Him is. She has encouraged so many of us to stay upon the Truth and not to let anything take us from the Path of Allah. She never got tired of reminding us to repent for our misdeeds and not to get heedless. She made sure we understood the Tawheed of Allah ta’ala. 

My heart is so heavy right now. I ask that any Believer who reads this post to make du’a for Naimah, the New Shahadah teacher at Germantown Masjid. Please ask Allah to have mercy on her, to make her grave light and spacious, and to grant her jaanatul-firdous. Ameen. Wallahi, I have never met a sister of her caliber. 

Soooooo, my Co-Co had the baby. If you read previous entries, you’ll know that I was in a rather dark place then…

Well since then, she and I are trying to ‘get it together’, especially after our husband told us we need to ‘get it together’. Lol. His concern for our companionship really softens my heart. Anyways, today I saw the baby for the first time! SubhanAllah! The sight of this child softened my heart. It took anxiety away. Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!

I feel like my Co-Co and I can move on. The last week I felt like we were having this ‘unspoken beef’…. and I don’t even eat meat! Lol. But really, this was also the first time she and I had seen eachother since before she had him and I must admit, I missed my Co-Co.

Inshaallah, there are lectures going on all weekend at the Masjid. I’d really like to go. I haven’t been to a lecture yet. I really just want to throw myself into my Islamic Studies hoping that it will be a distraction from how I feel. I don’t want to leave any room for anything in my heart other than Islam and as simple as it sounds, I know that it won’t be.

This weekend I want to stay in my room, lay up with my children, and read. I don’t really want to do much else… even if Saturday and Sunday are my nights. I been trying to put how I have been feeling into words and I’m having a very hard time doing so. I think the fact that I suffer from depression, take Zoloft, and have never really been very verbal about my feelings plays a  huge part. I’ll be honest, the silence is killing me on the inside. I want so badly to express how I feel. To say why I’ve been crying, to say why I feel isolated and alone… But I can’t. I’m emotionally constipated!

If it wasn’t for Niqaab, the outside world would think I’m absolutely crazy seeing me out in public talking to my Lord, Allah ta’ala, asking him to give me strength. To dry my tears. To make me better than I was yesterday. To forgive me for my sins and shortcomings. While the Niqaab sucks up the tears.