Inshaallah, there are lectures going on all weekend at the Masjid. I’d really like to go. I haven’t been to a lecture yet. I really just want to throw myself into my Islamic Studies hoping that it will be a distraction from how I feel. I don’t want to leave any room for anything in my heart other than Islam and as simple as it sounds, I know that it won’t be.

This weekend I want to stay in my room, lay up with my children, and read. I don’t really want to do much else… even if Saturday and Sunday are my nights. I been trying to put how I have been feeling into words and I’m having a very hard time doing so. I think the fact that I suffer from depression, take Zoloft, and have never really been very verbal about my feelings plays a  huge part. I’ll be honest, the silence is killing me on the inside. I want so badly to express how I feel. To say why I’ve been crying, to say why I feel isolated and alone… But I can’t. I’m emotionally constipated!

If it wasn’t for Niqaab, the outside world would think I’m absolutely crazy seeing me out in public talking to my Lord, Allah ta’ala, asking him to give me strength. To dry my tears. To make me better than I was yesterday. To forgive me for my sins and shortcomings. While the Niqaab sucks up the tears.

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