He arrived yesterday at 8lbs and 4oz, and although I am truly happy I am also said, anxious, and feeling grief. Wallahi I hate this. I have not seen my husband in days and I’m sure that contributes to how I feel, but I still wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I could just be 100% happy with the fact that my husband and my co-wife just had a baby. It’s not the baby… I have anxiety about how things will change with all of us.

If you’re not a co-wife and have never been where I am you won’t understand how I feel. You won’t understand this tightness in my chest that I have been trying to remove with salah and du’a. I want to scream to the top of my lungs in hope that it will make me feel better. Usually my Zoloft suppresses my depression, but this whole situation has triggered my depression and I am having a hard time getting back to my self.

I feel like I am being selfish and that has never been a trait that I carry. But on the other hand I feel like my feelings are justified… simply because I am a woman in polygamy. I missed my last 2 nights due to the birth of the baby and these next two are hers. I’m not angry… I feel isolated and alone. I want my nights back! … There’s that selfishness again.

Yaa Allah, have Mercy on me.

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