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So it’s been me and him lately. We’ve been bonding. I must admit he’s actually good company. Lol.

I decided after I had my youngest that I was finished giving birth until further notice, or until Allah decides to override my prevention ūüôā

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Being with my step-son is delightful but I don’t miss sleepless nights, having a baby on my boob every hour in the hour, teething, ect.
I consider him my baby from 8a-4p. Lol. And I miss him like crazy when he’s gone.

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My Co-wife and I are speaking again! Alhamdulilaah! Polygany can bring out the most emotional parts of yourself. Parts of you that you never imagined. I often feel that as the 2nd wife I’m not allowed to be jealous, angry, upset, etc., but the reality is that that is a total crock of crap. I’m entitled to feel. It’s just that my reaction to these feelings is what’s the issue.

She and I got a chance to chit-chat briefly over the weekend about why we had not been speaking… To sum it up, I know that she would never intentionally say anything that would hurt me. She’s just not that kind of person and she has proven that to me in all the time I’ve known her. Co-wives will not always see¬†eye-to-eye.¬†However, that is never an excuse¬†for enmity to grow amongst¬†sisters in Islaam. Lesson Learned.

The¬†distance¬†between us had begun to take a toll. I have been missing my Snicker Doodle so much! He is 4 months now and the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen!¬†Lol. My Co said she believes he may be teething. I’m really excited cause it’s on from here on out! Before we know it, in shaa’ allah, he’ll be crawling and standing, and walking! I miss him soooooo much.

As for¬†the ‘Thee Man’, well he remains to be patient with me and my flaws and the progress, maa shaa’allah. I am truly blessed to have him and her in my corner. There is a reason Allah placed she and I before our husband. There are so many sisters in polygany who experience horror stories. I’ve lived some of my own, but I beg Allah to preserve what we have and to correct the conditions of others because this life is rough without people who remind you of Allah.

Living, Learning, Loving…

It has been atleast two weeks since my Co and I had a real conversation as companions. I guess I call myself not speaking to her. Those of you who have been reading my blog from the beginning know that she and I were friends before we became co-wives…

It’s been 6 months and I don’t think she excepts me as her Co… Better yet she still hasn’t excepted me as her family. The truth is that it hurts me that she feels this way. No, she’s never said it but we all knw actions speak louder than words.

Her refusal to except the reality of me being her co has consequently effected our companionship. And no, I’m not trying to force her but I feel like sometimes she needs to put herself in my shoes. Sometimes I feel like she feels my marriage to our husband should be out of sight, out of mind. However I’m learning that that way of thinking causes her to think that she can turn matters regarding FAMILY in to a ‘her’ thing.

A few weeks ago she said something that really hurt my feelings and I just haven’t been able to shake it. I want to talk to her about it but my emotions are still in a bad place. I don’t want to say anything that would cause enmity between us… But I miss my companion.

Before I married my husband I had been in 3 other marriages. I used to feel ashamed at the thought of me being married so many times, but I’ve learned to embrace the learning experiences I got from them. For me, I had to experience what I didn’t want to find out what I did want… and so I married him ūüôā

By the Grace and Mercy of Allah this is the most functional, Islamic Marriage of all of them. It truly is different when you marry someone with Taqwaa. We don’t always agree and when we don’t I always feel like I’m having an ‘argument with purpose’… Lol… Because at the end when the smoke clears and we get a little space, we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and are able to sincerely apologize, kiss, and make up.

I will admit for the last 6 months I have been living on a cloud full of butterflies and unicorns. I don’t have many friends and I very rarely invite people to my home. I figured that I finally have a good man and that I should stay out the way, but in the end people don’t have to see you to hate you in their heart…

Today I was advised to get out of my fairytale land and face the reality that there may be people who don’t want to see me happy and that the envy they harbor is something I should seek refuge from. I am truly saddened by this. I finally have a man that¬†my heart feels good and grateful to love and someone wants to see it taken away.

I now fear that this slander that has been attributed to me will reach my husband. Where I live people know nothing about honor, loyalty, making excuses for your brother/sister. I know I married a man who fears Allah but when things get tough will he differ? Will he observe patience and behave like the Prophet (sallahu alayhi was sallam) did when ‘Aaisha was slandered?

So now I wait… anxious… for him to come home…

It has been a while since my last entry. Thanks to some advice from one of my followers, I felt it was best not to blog when Shaytaan is whispering to me. Rather, I should wait until the smoke clears and I’m thinking rationally. Thanks Ukhti ūüėČ

The last few weeks have been… Well lets just say that polygany definitely requires that you fear Allah ta’ala even more than you thought you already did. As you know I told you that we were all sharing one vehicle and walhamdulillah the stress that bought to all of us is beginning to dwindle down. I been getting my butt on the bus and doing a helluva lot of walking! Lol. I consider it to be Allah ta’alas mercy on me. As I ride or walk I get time to reflect. I get time to sight-see without cars beeping at me because I’m drifting into their lane as my mind wonders. I get time to walk with my daughters and hold their hands, to watch them gaze out of the window as I wonder what they are thinking about.

My Co-Wife and I are that… My Co-Wife and I. I think every now and then the women in a polygenous marriage should take a break from eachother. Not because your upset with eachother, but to give your sisterhood and friendship a chance to catch up. You get so caught up in the fact that you share this man and sharing a bond through sisterhood and friendship kind of goes on the back-burner. It’s funny because both of our 8 year-old daughters had to get a break from eachother too! Lol. I am sure it’s a woman thing!

I have been getting a little homesick. I’ve been missing my Nana a lot. I actually had the audacity to ask my husband if I could spend the night at my Nana’s… He said ‘no’, but it was okay cause I ended up calling her on Tango. I don’t know what’s up with my homesickness. I just hope it’s an acute case.

Lately, it’s been feeling like my husband is my husband, but also my father. I feel like I’m getting raised and molded into a better person. A person with a better heart. There are things I thought to be right or true and as of lately, things are happing to cause my husband to take a step back and realize that for me to be a good wife, I have to be a good Muslim. Our Islam is our Islam. My faith won’t be at the level of someone else’s and vise versa. A strong suit he has is that he is good at implementing what he learns, maa shaa’allah, walhamdulillah. Once he learns something he puts it into practice.¬†If he doesn’t understand it fully he leaves it be until he does. He’s not affraid to say, ‘I don’t know.’ He may not be able to tell you about a hadith word for word or exactly what ayah Allah said such-and-such, but if your on a topic he knows exactly what to say from the quran and sunnah to back up what he says. I have always admired that about him, maa shaa’allah. I beg Allah to preserve those qualities in him. Ameen.

Myself on the other hand… I am the memorizer. The learner. One who reads a book in it’s entirety and then reads it again to take notes. The one who can tell you about some of the great scholars of Islaam from their birth to their death but my implementing of the religion needs some work. I’m learning that before I start diving into these advanced matters of Islaam I need to get the fundamentals in full force. “A house can’t be built without pillars…”, he says. So I’m taking a step back to take a refresher course that will nurture my soul.

The new addition to the family will be 2 months soon, inshaallah. He is so beautiful, maa shaa’allah and he knows me!!!!! Lol. That’s the best part ūüôā I have a bond with him that I can’t explain. I told my Co she needs a phone with a front facing camera so I can Tango him everyday (as if I won’t see him during the week! Lol)

We are growing spritually as a family and it’s one of the most beautiful experiences in the world. We are building a support system that at times may have glitches but nothing that¬†the Speech of Allah and the Sunnah of His Messenger (sallahu alayhi was sallam) can’t fix…

Everything is Everything! Alhamdullillah.

 

Even when you and your co-wife have a good relationship there will still be differences. You parent differently, have different mannerisms, interact with your spouse differently, etc… You will not always see eye to eye on every matter. These are things that Im learning to cope with, inshaallah.
Im am very much an independent. Most of the time it’s beneficial, but sometimes my husband would like me to depend on him for certain things. And I’ll be honest, it irritates me a little. My Co, is the opposite and since he’s used to her dependence, he expects me to be more dependent.
I raise my children to be independent and strong-willed. To have their own opinions. Im finding that my co-wife and I have very different parenting styles, and i think sometimes she a bit bothered by it.
Im understanding that a sister in Islam, companion, and co-wife are completely different roles. I think we are learning how to separate them without causing eachother harm.
Sometimes I laugh to myself when she has irritated me and think, “I love this lady…” She is my bestfriend even though we have differences.
Sometimes I feel bad for our husband. He’s on an emotional roller coaster that he’ll never be able to get off of! Lol. My co-wife is coping with having a new-born baby and a co-wife, and Im coping with being in love primarily for the pleasure of Allah for the first time in my life and finally finding my worth, walhamdulillah.
I look in my husband’s eyes sometime and can tell that his thoughts are all over the place. He always worries about us. I wish he’d worry about himself too. I wish he’d do somethings for himself. Inshaallah she and I will be okay. I can’t imagine that it’s easy having two wives who are very different and being the man who loves them….

Today I learned a valuable lesson. Foul tongues cause more harm to their owners than their victims.
As a Muslim woman I shld b kind, loving, understanding, gentle, sensual, and attractive… TO MY HUSBAND.
The moment my behavior is the opposite, i turn into the ugliest woman in the world. May Allah forgive me.
When u look at me I want to b the center of your universe, ur path to Jannah. I will work on me. I will try to do better @ thnking before I speak. U deserve to be treated like a king, so i must behave like a queen.

In my journey of co-wifery, I am also growing as a woman… As a muslim woman. I am embracing the Qadr of Allah like never before. The good and the bad of it.¬†

‘Maturity’ is such a profound word. We might limit it to meaning that you’ve reached puberty or that your ”old enough” to do something, but it’s waaaaaaay deeper than that.¬†

I am learning the treat the people in my family according to what they are. For example, my grandmother. When I was a teenager we would have screaming matches and I’d tell her how much I hated her. She’d put me out and let me back in. As an adult, she’d still try to run my life and just to defy her, unconsciously, I would be ruining my life. Now… She is my grandmother. She is the woman who cared for me when my mother passed, she is the woman who would treat me when I was sick. She is the woman who on many occasions cried herself to sleep because she didn’t know what to do with me. The woman who helped me raise my first child because her father wasn’t around. I have an appreciation for her that I am embarrassed to say took 27 years to realize. At the same time, I feel accomplished. I feel like my character is getting better. I have been doing my best to strive in the way of Allah and SubhanAllah, I am seeing the results in my daily activities!¬†

I am seeing my change in my children by Allah’s permission. My oldest is becoming a young ¬†believing woman right before my eyes, and although is scares me, I’m so proud. After 6 years of Islaam, I finally feel like I may be doing something right and for the right reasons! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!¬†

My co-wife and I are doing great, maa shaa’allah. The baby will be a month old tomorrow inshaallah and he knows my voice! Whenever I hold him I recite qur’an to him. I tell him about my day, what I’ve learned in class at the masjid, and how much I missed him. Oh! And how I don’t have any milk in my boobs so he better stop flapping those lips my way! Lol.¬†

Everyday I am falling in love with my husband. Sometimes it’s scary but most times it’s the most exciting feeling in the world. As a family we are progressing. Both households. One Unit. The 8 of us…

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Today feels like a new beginning with my children… They went to school. My 8 year old has been home-schooled and my 2 year old has been home. I have been crying all morning! My husband told me to just get over it. ‘How dare he!’¬†

If I had it my way, my children would always be home. Yes I confess, I am a stalker mom. But I am realizing that my big girl needs to be able to get out and spread her wings. She goes to an Islamic school and she’s there with my co-wive’s daughters who are 8 and 5 years old. My little one was the hardest to let go. She’s my puddin’. The thought of her sharing her laugh, smile, temper tantrums, sneakiness, and cleverness makes me very emotional. She is also in an Islamic setting. I believe in Allah and everything He has informed me of so I know that this is His Decree and that He wouldn’t put more on me than I can bare… Sheeeesh! Motherhood is just so darn trying some days! ¬†

And in other news!!! I am almost finished Season 1 of Sister Wives. If you are a co-wife and watch the show you have probably already tried to decide which one of Kody’s wives you are more like (personality wise). I see myself as a combo of Christine and the new Wife, Robin. Christine is very cheerful, good with the children, open about her feelings, supportive, and she seems like she may be a really great friend to the other wives. Robin is just happy to be a part of the team and to have a man who loves her and her children. I think she keeps the other wives on their toes.¬†

Things are well with my co-wife and I. We don’t talk much on the phone or text now that she has the baby and I completely understand. I do miss her though. But let me tell you, I love that baby! He is super-d-duper cute! I can’t wait until he’s potty trained cause once that happens, It’s gonna be me and him hanging out! Lol. And yes, he must be using the potty to hang with me. My baby is finally in panties and I am so grateful that my days of pampers/pull-ups is over. Allahu Akbar!

My husband seems to be adapting well to the polygamous life. He seems more comfortable now than he did when he first took me on the team. His being settled definitely helps the family dynamic A LOT. Inshaallah, I will be getting a job at a hospital as a patient services rep, it will require that I work every other Saturday. I am desperately trying to get my husband to change our nights around a bit. Instead of 2 and 2, I want him to do 2, 2, 3. This would enable my co-wife and I to have him home for weekend nights. And of course I would prefer that her weekends be the weekends that I work on Saturdays ūüėČ And I am more than willing to agree to missing a night or two so that my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights fall on the weekends that I don’t have to work. As with all things, Allah knows best.¬†

I don’t know how my Co feels, but when he leaves in the middle of the weekend my schedule feels thrown off. He and I are both off on weekends currently so when he’s home on the weekend I feel like that’s our wind down time together from our busy work-weeks. During the week it’s pretty much dinner, try to chill together until we fall asleep, and then back to work. I don’t really feel like I get enough ‘face-time’ on my nights. However, let me make this clear, I am NOT complaining. Surely I make the best out of the time I have with my husband, but I think as our life is changing some other things will have to change too. ¬†

Alhamdulillah for every circumstance!                       

In all this time the show Sister Wives has been on air, I haven’t watched it until last night on Netflix. I love it!

The relationship that the wives have with each other is beautiful. It’s something that so many of us can’t understand or even imagine. It makes me contemplate my past relationships and the relationships of some of my friends and I wonder, why couldn’t we all just get along?!

Now, my co-wife and I have a pretty good relationship, but I will admit that there are times when we are having ‘unspoken anger issues.’… Whatever that means. Lol. But to openly welcome another woman into your family, to love your husband, when there is already 3 has my mind boggled! I don’t even think I’m built like that! I find myself often times thinking, “Oh Allah, please let us be enough…” But I wonder if that is selfish. Is there another woman who could need my husband? Is there another woman who I’d care to share my husbands islam, love, time, finances, etc., with?

In the past I have heard so many polygamy horror stories and have even authored a few of my own. It would have me wondering where the successful polygamous marriages are. The way these ‘Sister Wives’ handle a new wife is just… inspiring. And sure they may be Mormon, but they are women non the less. I found it interesting that these women grew up in polygamous households and it isn’t forced on their children. I wonder if that is a contributing factor among us Muslim women when it comes to how we handle polygamy. Is it easier to accept when you have been raised around it?